It still doesn't feel real. We went to see her in the mortuary and i just kept expecting her to sit up and to find it was all some kind of sick joke. I even convinced myself when i was stood beside her that she was still breathing. The lady in the mortuary said this was perfectly normal because we rarely see people who are not breathing so our minds expect to see it.
I am so tired but i really just don't want to go to bed because whenever i close my eyes i see her lying there all cold and lifeless. I can't even say that she looked peaceful because she still had the tube in her mouth from A&E which couldn't be removed until some other medical expert had seen her.
I am not sure if it was a good idea to see her like that. It certainly doesn't feel like it right now. But i had to go to say goodbye and to make peace and to let her know i love her. I always have and i always will. I had to let her know that i don't 'blame' her for anything that happened. She has just about as much control over it as i did. I had to let her know that i would rather she was standing on her doorstep (or wherever) yelling abuse at me instead of lying on this slab not saying a word and looking so awful.
It's strange, i always assumed that when people died they turned white - that's what happens in the movies right? But no, she wasn't white. I wish she was for it may have made things so much easier. She is my Mum, i should never have had to see her and felt scared of her, but i did. Her appearance scared me and the fact that she was no longer alive scared me. I held her hand. It was cold but at least it was a normal colour. It felt exactly as it did when i was a little girl. She always used to have cold hands anyway. I don't know what i expected it to feel like, plastic maybe? I'm glad it felt like it had always done. I tried to wake her up, to tell her it's not funny and to just WAKE UP!!
So, now i am home. I was stuck in traffic on the way home, i tried to eat some dinner, i put the children to bed. All normal things but it feels wrong that i am doing then still whilst she is in that cold place on her own.
The circumstances around my Mum's death are very confusing and complicated. We don't yet know what happened or what caused it. There are a few things i do know that make it so much harder to take. I just hope that my Mum is now able to rest in peace.
I love you Mum, i always have and i always will. I hope you are with Grandad and my little brother now in peace. I can't believe you have gone but i will remember you always.
Your loving daughter xx
